The “A. J. Ayer” Self-eating Welsh Rarebit
Ideal for slimmers, anchorites and philosophers. Eats itself before you can touch it. Comes with a side “Plato” self-eating egg and “Leibniz” self-eating salad. Later, with a “Heraclitus” self-eating apple turnover and a hot cup of “Descartes” self-drinking tea, you can sit back and read or just untie grandfather while your lunch eats itself for you.
Preparation: Remove rarebit from oven, egg from pan, salad from chopping board. Serve.
Finally! Fishcakes that really give you time to eat them. No more dashing off the plate. Slow Fishcakes just lie there and let you get on with it. If they move at all, it’ll only be to stagger toward the smear of seasoning.
Preparation: Remove from packet and serve.
Cold Rice Pudding and Leeks in Cellophane
All the things that depress in a ready-to-throw-away wrapping.
Preparation: Remove from cupboard and throw in the bin.
The “Olivier” Acting Kipper
A tiny compact disc hidden in the gills plays great tragic scenes from Shakespeare, while you eat around and enjoy this fine Scottish breakfast treat.
Preparation: Add prop egg and heel of bread. Remove any ham from dining area. Have the First Folio handy.
These lobster parts can be persuaded to do anything! Get them to rip up the sun-room carpet, or re-tie-up grandfather. 1001 uses about the house – including being persuaded to change TV channels without you needing to find the remote.
Preparation: Fry in butter and lemon. Ensure certain programmes are not being broadcast.
With a breaking strain of over 36.2874 kilograms, you can use for acrobatics, fly-fishing, roof ties, or binding grandfather (with the assistance of the lobster). The only spaghetti which is durable, waterproof and guaranteed for five years! “I have never encountered such spaghetti” – Muhammad al-Idrisi
Preparation: add salt to taste like all other pasta.
Available in an 8-metre tin. Ideal over the Christmas season. Will last the average family 7 years. Revolting taste.
“If you’re going to consume an enormous reptile this is the one I’d choose” – Justin Drew Bieber
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