But Is It (Test) Cricket?

(1st ashes test, Perth, 21/22 November 2025)

Sir Donald Bradman wrote in 1961: “In recent years the game has been criticized as being too slow for our modern civilization – a horse and buggy game in an aeroplane age.”* After Perth (and Melbourne on 26 & 27 December) one starts to hanker for a buggy whip.

I had a ticket at Perth Stadium (the nose bleed section, but still a great view) for Day 2 of the 2025/26 first cricket test between England and Australia, representing a rivalry of over 148 years. Australia had held the Ashes (a historic urn believed to contain the cremains of English cricket after its defeat in 1882) for about a decade, but the early word on this English tour was that Auld Blighty would be taking them home. Indeed, certified cricket expert, Piers Morgan, announced: “The Ashes is upon us… England has a better team, a better captain, and better management. The Urn is coming home, and I genuinely think we’ll beat Australia either 4-0 or 5-0.” And ashes gladiator Stuart Broad said “it’s probably the worst Australian team since 2010 when England last won, and it’s the best English team since 2010.” (He just might be right about that, particularly vis-à-vis the batting).

There were more cautious predictions: “I can see the series ending level, like it did two years ago” – 2:2 (Michael Vaughan); “England just sneaking it” 3:2 (Phil Tufnell); “England haven’t won a Test in Australia for 14 years, but I do think they will win in Perth, and will therefore go on to win the series” 3:2 (Jonathan Agnew).

Day One

The test match started like an old English nightmare – opener Zak Crawley caught off Mitchell Starc in the first over, for 0. The highest score was 52, only 4 players reached double figures, and there was a surfeit of silly wafting at deliveries outside off stump, and dumb shots into the waiting hands of fieldsmen. Starc returned career-best figures of 7 wickets for 58, and England were all out for 172, in under 33 overs.

If that was bad, Australia’s 1st innings was worse. They were skittled for 132; everyone failed, with Alex Carey the top scorer on 26. 8 players were caught on very soft, very average strokes. 19 wickets had fallen on the first day!

Day Two

Australia were mopped-up early on the second day, leaving England with a lead of 40 runs and loads of time to accumulate a hefty lead. The session started badly for them when Crawly, on a pair, was again out for naught, sensationally caught by Starc off his own delivery.

But then, England settled and Duckett and Pope put on a partnership that had England 100 odd ahead, 9 wickets in hand, and plenty of time to amass a winning lead. But in the 2nd session, they deployed their famous ‘Bazball’ tactics, hoping to pile on a fast lead, when there was no need for speed. Instead, they piled misery on themselves, losing all 9 wickets for about 99. When Joe Root, never having scored a century in Australia, nicked the ball into his stumps off Starc for 8, a wag in the crowd yelled: “What a shame – only 92 runs shy of a ton.”

The whole scene was baffling – a self-inflicted wound, having England to go from a dominant position to a level playing field. But Australia would still have to get 205 – the highest score in a highly weird game, but they had plenty of time and provided they batted judiciously and patiently, maybe they could prevail?

Well, excuse me! Travis Head made a surprise entrance as opener, and proceeded to go berserk. He swatted, smashed, slashed, bunted and basically wafted his bat at anything he could reach, and by the time he was finally out, having hit 123 runs in 83 deliveries in a masterclass of attacking batsmanship – ‘Travball’ as they called it – Australia were able to cruise to an 8-wicket win.

On the pedestrian bridge over the river, leading away from the stadium, 4 English fans in matching pyjamas were ahead of me. One of them turned his head to the sky and asked the clouds with fervent cry: “Why are we so shit?” It was an amusing, and rather good question, but perhaps a better one was to muse whether we had witnessed a test match, or some transmogrification of it.

[* Foreword to Cricket The Australian Way, (1961).]