Eurovision Song Contest

The Varnished Culture cites this as exhibit ‘A’ in our defence against a charge of snobbery. L introduced P to it some years ago and ever since, every late May, we settle down to score the finalists.

TVC scores each song but has a separate scoring system we call The Euro Points System, in which extra points are given for: 1. Dry ice 2. Contortionists 3. Bad Dancing 4. Any item of Clothing being Torn Away 5. Dwarves 6. Angel Wings or Mock Flying 7. Clowns 8. Piano as Furniture 9. Bearded Ladies 10. Puffs of Smoke.

Euro Drinking Game # 1: Every time a country casts its maximum vote for a neighbouring country, you take a drink.  [Terry Wogan used to have a lot of fun with this – his mantle is now worn by a great team at SBS (we imagine this network was created almost solely to show Eurovision), headed by the wonderful Julia Zemiro and Sam Pang.  And yes, Julia, we know you can speak French – we’d hope so, since you were born in France.]

Euro Drinking Game # 2: Every time a host on remote checks in to deliver his/her/their country’s votes, and attempts to engage in a hilarious and well-rehearsed spot of repartee, or turns their grease-gun on the main host country, you take another drink.

P really got into Euro when Estonia entered and blitzed the field!!!  But now TVC is beside itself (literally!!?) as Australia marches into the Finale on a Wild Card…Guy Sebastian bears the immense responsibility of Embarrassing For Oz, a much weightier burden than that placed on the shoulders of, say, the Prime Minister or the Australian Cricket Captain…

2015 Update: Guy Sebastian came a creditable 5th (Estonia finished 7th).  Russia and Italy deserved their 2nd and 3rd placings but how Belgium got the 4th highest votes, we don’t know.  The lighting and backdrops this year were very impressive although we think it harsh of Bernard Oliver, writing to The Australian, to regret he “was unable to vote for the stage, which was more interesting and showed more talent than any of the artists.”

2016 Update: Dami Im for Australia came second with easily the best song, and performance, of the night.  She blitzed the field in the jury vote but was put into second place by the ‘televote’, which tends to run along political, ethnic and historical lines.

2017 Preview: A lad with an ice-cream face and the unlikely name, Isaiah Firebrace, will Rep Australia this year in Kiev (for the PC, “Kyiv”) with the tune Don’t come easy (not by F.R.David, not by Ringo Starr). Good luck Isaiah, and no, it don’t come easy, so fire-up! Update: Isaiah came 9th).

2019 update: In a fairly lacklustre year, the Netherlands had its first win since 1975 (when it won with “Ding-a-dong” – !). UK last, as usual. A Russian chap warbled in a shower, and Malta mounted a homage to the parody of Frente’s god-awful “Accidentally Kelly Street,” which the D-Generation once parodied as “Accidentally Was Released.”  Kate Miller Heidke, with the best act and song, came 9th – that block voting sucks.  We couldn’t bear to watch the whole thing this year – it’s starting to look and sound homogenous – Madonna appeared, we gathered, but by then, the sleepy-drugs were kicking in….

EUROVISION: THE HONOUR ROLL

[Ireland 7 wins / Sweden 6 wins  / Luxembourg 5 wins / France 5 wins / UK 5 wins]

1956      Refrain (Switzerland)

1957      Net als toen (Netherlands)

1958      Dors, mon amour (France)

1959      Een beetje (Netherlands)

1960      Tom Pillibi (France)

1961       Nous les amoureux (Luxembourg)

1962       Un premier armour (France)

1963       Dansevise (Denmark)

1964       Non ho l’eta (Italy)

1965       Poupee de cire, poupee de son (Luxembourg)

1966       Merci, Cherie (Austria)

1967        Puppet On a String (UK)

1968        La, la, la (Spain)

1969        Vivo cantando (Spain),

                Boom bang-a-bang (UK)

                De troubadour  (Netherlands)

                Un jour, un enfant (France)

1970        All Kinds of Everything (Ireland)

1971        Un banc, un arbre, une rue (Monaco)

1972        Apres toi (Luxembourg)

1973        Tu te reconnaitras (Luxembourg)

1974        Waterloo (Sweden)

1975        Ding-a-dong (Netherlands)

1976        Save Your Kisses for Me (UK)

1977        L’oiseau et L’Enfant (France)

1978        A-Ba-Ni-Bi (Israel)

1979        Hallelujah (Israel)

1980        What’s Another Year (Ireland)

1981         Making Your Mind Up (UK)

1982         Ein Bischen Frieden (Germany)

1983         Si la vie est cadeau (Luxembourg)

1984      Diggi-Loo Diggi-Ley (Sweden)

1985      La det Swinge (Norway)

1986      J’aime la vie (Belgium)

1987      Hold Me Now (Ireland)

1988      Ne partez pas sans moi (Switzerland)

1989      Rock Me (Yugoslavia)

1990      Insieme: 1992  (Italy)

1991      Fangad av en stormvind (Sweden)

1992      Why Me (Ireland)

1993      In Your Eyes (Ireland)

1994      Rock ‘n’ Roll Kids (Ireland)

1995      Nocturne (Norway) [Ireland fell short with My Lovely Horse?]

1996      The Voice (Ireland)

1997      Love Shine a Light (UK)

1998      Diva (Israel)

1999      Take Me To Your Heaven (Sweden)

 2000      Fly on the Wings of Love (Denmark)

2001       Everybody (Estonia) [Woo Hoo!]

2002       I Wanna (Latvia)

2003       Everyway That I Can (Turkey)

2004       Wild Dances (Ukraine)

2005       My Number One (Greece)

2006       Hard Rock Hallelujah (Finland)

2007       Molitva (Serbia)

2008       Believe (Russia)

2009       Fairytale (Norway)

2010       Satellite (Germany)

2011       Running Scared (Azerbaijan)

2012       Euphoria (Sweden)

2013       Only Teardrops (Denmark)

2014       Rise Like a Phoenix (Austria)

2015       Heroes (Sweden)

2016       1944 (Ukraine)

2017        Amar Pelos (Portugal)

2018        Toy (Israel) 

2019         Arcade (Netherlands)

2020         Competition suspended due to Wuhan flu

2021          Zitti e buoni (Italy)

2022          Stefania (Ukraine) [Turin, May 2022: Tony Randall (“the Actor’s actor”), introducing, under sufferance, the new King of Comedy, Rupert Pupkin (Robert De Niro) in the sublime 1981 film, says: “It isn’t often that you can call someone a sure thing in the entertainment business. After all, the verdict is always in your hands, isn’t it?” Eurovision 2022 is perhaps the exception to the rule. You’d get very short odds betting on this year’s winner, what with the international situation and all (Russia the banned pariah, plucky Ukraine the favourite) and in light of Eurovision’s well-known concern for politics.  But that doesn’t rob the World’s most sublime (and ridiculous) contest of suspense – yet when Ukraine rocketed past the deserved acts, we could hear Terry Wogan on high, smiling knowingly…]

2023           Tattoo (Sweden)

2024            The Code (Switzerland)