No Swiss Bliss

(Eurovision Song Contest, Basal, 2025)

“in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.” Thus Harry Lime to Holly Martins in The Third Man, and whilst Orson Welles, who apparently wrote the line, failed to mention the creation of toblerone, there is still a harsh truth about this beautiful, woke, sterile country. So it is a pity that it played host to Eurovision this year, an event long anticipated and enjoyed in the TVC rec. room, but on this year’s evidence, it might be closing in on its use-by date.

Eurovision is no fun anymore. The acts, the songs, the costumes, the effects, the compares, the voting, are completely drained of energy, vitality or credibility. There’s no rhyme or reason why the winning song, “Wasted Love,” by Austria’s bright-eyed boy-gamine, JJ, was any better or worse than the other 25 acts. We did not feel “United by Music;” watching a tribute performance by Nemo, 2024’s winner, clad as a girl in bathers and fright wig, we felt Vaguely Nauseous.

Here’s how they ended up, for those who care [plus our brief thumbnail comment]:

1 Norway – Kyle Alessandro “Lighter” 89 points / placed 18th [Trinkets and auto-tune straight from a real Matrix.]

2 Luxembourg – Laura Thorn “La poupée monte le son” 47 / 22nd [Lots of clocks. Nowhere near as good as Poupee de cire, poupee de son.]

3 Estonia – Tommy Cash “Espresso Macchiato” 356 / 3rd [This would be a better (well more apposite) entry for Italy. Must do better, Estonia!]

4 Israel – Yuval Raphael “New Day Will Rise” 357 / 2nd [A chanteuse from a variety show, in Stevie Nicks hand-me-downs, sings a ballad to eat Celine Cuisine to.]

5 Lithuania – Katarsis “Tavo akys” 96 /16th [Nirvana meets U2, neither having a good day, in a dark, barren field.]

6 Spain – Melody “Esa diva” 37 / 24th [A good thing that Spain qualifies automatically for the final. A C-grade Melania Trump never lifted this to any significant heights.]

7 Ukraine – Ziferblat “Bird of Pray” 218 / 9th [A faded, outdated rose-red tunic Bowie apparition, ululating morphs into pure boy pop with far too many chords.]

8 United Kingdom – Remember Monday “What the Hell Just Happened?” 88 / 19th [The song asks and answers.]

9 Austria – JJ “Wasted Love” 436 /1st [Euro points only, for the paper boat, dry ice, falsetto and silly hand gestures.]

10 Iceland – Væb “Róa” 33 / 25th [a crazy blend of Jedward and the Communards, the boys hopped about in space suits, bad hats and a fake violin.]

11 Latvia – Tautumeitas “Bur man laimi” 158 / 13th [An Enya rip off, complete with plastic antlers.]

12 Netherlands – Claude “C’est la vie” 175 / 12th [You can sing a Frenchified torch song with no voice, we gather. Drivel but featuring a mirror mime.]

13 Finland – Erika Vikman “Ich komme” 196 / 11th [a pudgy dominatrix sang a salacious soccer anthem that went in 10 different directions.]

14 Italy – Lucio Corsi “Volevo essere un duro” 256 / 5th [This emaciated Tuscan warbled a tuneless tune that we cannot remember. Plus there was harmonica.]

15 Poland – Justyna Steczkowska “Gaja” 156 / 14th [fake waves, fake fire, fake lighting, fake violins seemed the fashion in Basal.]

16 Germany – Abor & Tynna “Baller” 151 / 15th [sung by non-Germans, our notes record the main lyric as “lalalalalalalalalalalal…”.]

17 Greece – Klavdia “Asteromata” 231 / 6th [Like a song written to be played in a crematorium.]

18 Armenia – Parg “Survivor” 72 / 20th [A lounge lizard sang lines including “Ha-ha-ha-ha…”.]

19 Switzerland – Zoë Më “Voyage” 214 / 10th [So insipid, Edith Piaf would either vomit or laugh.]

20 Malta – Miriana Conte “Serving” 91 / 17th [A hip-hoppy song that was sexual rather than sexy, emphasised by the metal wedged in the artist’s face.]

21 Portugal – Napa “Deslocado” 50 / 21st [A Portugese Green Day, only even less memorable.]

22 Denmark – Sissal “Hallucination” 47 / 23rd [Bad dancing, discoteque fluoros, silhouettes and tortured fabrics.]

 

23 Sweden – KAJ “Bara bada bastu” 321 / 4th (see image above) [A comedy entry from the “Land of Comedy,” this featured lumberjacks!]

24 France – Louane “Maman” 230 / 7th [Euro lyrics are as dumbfoundedly bad as ever. Louane was OK, but there was a lot of sand and smoke on stage.]

25 San Marino – Gabry Ponte[f] “Tutta l’Italia” 27 / 26th [An eclectic collection of bubbles, statue of David, Moog, phantom masks, accordion & tambourine, and old-looking Gabry.]

26 Albania – Shkodra Elektronike “Zjerm” 218 / 8th [This ‘folktronica’ duo offers squeaky lyrics and a man with a nose bigger than Cyrano de Bergerac.]